Saturday, September 6, 2008

An important message from the queen.

I mean THIS queen...........

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' Like, ya!

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. Thank god I already have one!

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. And Mayonaise!

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. YUM

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. OUCH

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). hehe -Nancies.....

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. Me too!

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
(I totally agree with #15!)

26 comments:

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

Except for the back taxes thing, all this sounds perfectly fine with me!

Be the change..... said...

I thought it was really funny, PT :-) I especially liked the teatime requirement! I could do without the back taxes though -yikes!

Topsy Turvy said...

Hilarious! I agree, we could use some civility.

-Lana

Design Junkie said...

It sounds like an improvement to me. By the way, Andie Macdowell's character in Four Weddings and a Funeral wasn't British, she was an American.

The House of Beauty and Culture said...

Funny. Don't forget the reinstatement of irony and self-deprecation as viable forms of humour.

I understand Little Britain is coming to the US - I give it one season, if that.

Pigtown-Design said...

Ohhhhhh... people here will SO totally not get Little Britain. They will find it very offensive and un-PC.

David said...

My senior year of high school I interned in the costume shop at Missouri Repertory Theater. The shop stopped every afternoon, without fail, for tea. Cups and saucers and biscuits and everything.

I need to get back do doing things like that in my life.

Patricia Gray said...

Funny. Items 4 and 5 should be implemented immediately and followed promptly with item 15.

Be the change..... said...

Bravo, Patricia -I'm glad we agree!
David, I have the nice china and everything which I love, but admittedly don't use it often enough -I should use it everyday!

Zelda said...

Absolutely delightful
I wish her majesty would turn an eye on meddle east to, but maybe because as for her ,the governance of a country has nothing to do with election but family inheritance. My only concern is about the tea time reduced to one hour per day, and the gasoline price. Because both are consumed with no restrictions, all day and night long ,and for free.
Thank you , I really had a good time reading

Porchlight Interiors said...

Yay, you would be just like Australia with all these wonderful changes!

Cote de Texas said...

veddy funny!

Decor Fellow: James Saavedra said...

This is too funny. And I am with you- NEVER mugs!

Be the change..... said...

I'm glad someone agrees with me, James!

chapps said...

Excellent made me chuckle, thank you
However a few amendments from me please:
8. We like to have Ketchup not catsup and/or brown sauce on our bacon “butties” or “fry up” it is only right and proper! Yes lots of Salt ’n’ Vinegar on the chips please.
15. Got to be clotted cream……….yummy.

Be the change..... said...

I've always heard of bacon butties -but no idea what they are actually! And I've never had clotted cream either -is that like sour cream? Or more like the curds from curds and whey like 'cottage cheese'??

L said...

ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh. this is hilaaaaaarious! may i "borrow" it for my blog? funny stuff, presh.

with love from pittsburgh...

Suzy said...

Oh that is too funny...I've been laughing out loud at work with my colleagues looking at me wondering what drugs I'm taking...
Love it! Especially no. 9 - I don't know how I never attributed it to the beer...

Be the change..... said...

Of course you may, L :-)
Suzy, I'm glad I started your morning out right; with a laugh!

chapps said...

Ok so "Butties" are sandwiches and Clotted cream is REALLY thick rich cream, you find it alot in the south west of England - got to be tried if you have the chance to!
Going to forward your Blog to my family and friends in the UK, they will all love it - thanks again.

Be the change..... said...

Thanks chapps, I'm flattered!!

Anonymous said...

My family repelled the english dictators twice and I will be happy to do it again! I will not drive on the wrong side of the road!

1776, 1812, 2008!

love,
the teutonic latino

Toby Worthington said...

Brilliant.
As I came to this fairly late in the day, I wondered who wrote it? Your highlighted comments suggest an author other than BTC.
In any case, thanks....

Be the change..... said...

No toby, I can't claim it! It was a forward i've gotten a few times in the past month or two and really enjoyed! No idea what the original source was!

lecaro said...

Perhaps the most appealing part would be escaping the 20+ months of political campaigning we have to endure to elect a president. Not to mention the hundreds of millions of dollars wasted on television ads.

I've always been curious about tea time. I'm assuming lunch at noon and tea time at four. Do businesses have a break for tea? Does the business day end at five or six, typically?

Great blog!

Be the change..... said...

Thanks Lecaro! I am not sure how it works in GB - I imagine that tea isn't much more than a small break like we have here in the states 'coffee break' -anyone know?